Sometimes, it’s not about losing weight.
I used to think that if only I lost weight … a LOT of weight … everything would fall into place in my life. I’d have the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect home. Everything would be perfect.
Thankfully, I’m smart enough to know that’s not really true. First, nothing is perfect. No job, no home, no relationship. And being thin, or thinner, will not make these things happen or make you feel fulfilled.
It’s not that I’m not striving to lose weight anymore, I’m just doing it for different reasons. And I think, lately, even those reasons I used to have are changing. It’s about my health … but in some ways, I do feel healthy. It’s about wanting to wear cute clothes … but I do wear cute clothes even at the size I am now. It’s about wanting to feel confident and self-assured … this comes and goes, but I do feel it at times.
Last night during spinning I had a moment. I nearly teared up while pumping my legs to Coldplay’s “Fix You.” I used to see this song as a romantic love note, from a boyfriend to his girlfriend. Now, listening intently to the lyrics and trying to fight back tears, it’s more like a love letter to myself. I’m not saying I’m damaged, per se, but what I am saying is that I’m worth it. Trying to exercise regularly, trying to eat healthfully and, yes, ultimately trying to lose weight isn’t about fixing something because I’m broken, or because I’m not whole. It’s about taking time for myself and fulfilling a need I have because I am worth it.
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you