I Will Try To Fix Me

Sometimes, it’s not about losing weight.

I used to think that if only I lost weight … a LOT of weight … everything would fall into place in my life. I’d have the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect home. Everything would be perfect.

Thankfully, I’m smart enough to know that’s not really true. First, nothing is perfect. No job, no home, no relationship. And being thin, or thinner, will not make these things happen or make you feel fulfilled.

It’s not that I’m not striving to lose weight anymore, I’m just doing it for different reasons. And I think, lately, even those reasons I used to have are changing. It’s about my health … but in some ways, I do feel healthy. It’s about wanting to wear cute clothes … but I do wear cute clothes even at the size I am now. It’s about wanting to feel confident and self-assured … this comes and goes, but I do feel it at times.

Last night during spinning I had a moment. I nearly teared up while pumping my legs to Coldplay’s “Fix You.” I used to see this song as a romantic love note, from a boyfriend to his girlfriend. Now, listening intently to the lyrics and trying to fight back tears, it’s more like a love letter to myself. I’m not saying I’m damaged, per se, but what I am saying is that I’m worth it. Trying to exercise regularly, trying to eat healthfully and, yes, ultimately trying to lose weight isn’t about fixing something because I’m broken, or because I’m not whole. It’s about taking time for myself and fulfilling a need I have because I am worth it.

But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

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About stellarfashionandfitness

I am Jennifer Dome, a 33-year-old woman living in Birmingham, Ala., miles from my Northeast-based family and some of my closest friends, but loving the Magic City, my BF and the friends I’ve made here in the South. I’ve lived in nine different states, plus London, and worked for some top-notch publications (Southern Living, Women’s Wear Daily) as a writer and copy editor. Now I am the assistant editor at a bass fishing magazine. I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I remember, at one time tipping the scale at 289 pounds. At the end of 2009, weighing in at about 275, I started counting calories and exercising regularly, finally finding some success in this ongoing battle. After a scare from my doctor in early 2010, that success became even more important to my overall health. It’s still a challenge, and the scale definitely moves up and down instead of just down, but my confidence that I will reach my goal is solid.

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2 Responses to I Will Try To Fix Me

Sarah C says:

August 15, 2012 at 8:14 am

Wonderful post. I’ve struggled with the “if I were just ____s” myself – and you’re right, it comes down to what makes you feel happy, or accomplished, or proud of who you are. Keep up the good work. I’m convinced that while our lives may never be “perfect,” they are the lives we are meant to live

Lisa Eirene (@LisaEirene) says:

August 15, 2012 at 11:25 am

I thought the same thing when I set out to lose 100 pounds. I thought losing weight would fix all my problems and I’d be happy “when…”. Once I reached goal weight I realized I had to fix the inside too and started working on the issues that causes the weight gain, etc.