Sometimes I honestly feel like I am two different people.
On one hand, there’s a woman who is happy with her life. I have a wonderful fiance who I can’t wait to marry, supportive friends and family, a great job that I enjoy. And when it comes to my efforts to become more healthy, I’ve started to learn that it’s not the number on the scale that’s most important. The end goal is more about the striving and the learning — trying to be a little healthier and treat myself a little better each day. That’s what matters most.
Then there are times when I look back, and I think, “Where did I go wrong?” Looking at my Weigh-in History, I can see that about two years ago, I was at a low point, weight-wise. And then it steadily increased to where now I have been stuck at the same weight for about a year. It’s why I stopped updating the History, I guess, because it really hasn’t changed. (For the record, I’ve dropped a few pounds in the last couple of months, but lately I’ve been stuck at 252.4 for a few weeks.)
Again, a part of me is really bothered by this and I want to figure out why and move forward … move downward. Another part of me knows why. I know that I don’t often deny myself the “treats” that I want. Sometimes I say it’s better to indulge a little, than to overindulge later and really do some damage. But I know that can be pure crap. There may be some sense to it, but really, I’m just giving in.
And another part of me just wants to find a place where I’m striving to be the best I can be, but I’m not constantly hung up on numbers and feeling like a failure. As long as I’m exercising regularly, eating healthier, balanced meals and taking care of myself — both mentally and physically — than why should I feel like a failure? All that would certainly be more than some people do for themselves.
It’s a difficult question and one I’m really not prepared to answer. I think what I want, ultimately, is to get to a place where I don’t have to obsess about eating and exercising. If I indulge a little with, say, a donut, then I eat well the rest of the day and work out to burn calories, and that’s that. I want to get to a point where the balance is just what I do, to remain healthy and alive, and it’s not something that takes a major presence in my life. It just is.
When it comes to eating and exercising intuitively, do you think it works? Or do you think that, especially for someone who’s overweight, we’re just inevitably going to have to think about this consciously, day in and day out, forever?